Friday, August 17, 2007

Predicting the next Baby Boom

I think BJ's is trying to create the next Baby Boom. And they're starting in my state. While on a shopping trip picking up all our other basic staples, I also needed to get a standard 40 pack of condoms. They used to be right on the aisle with toothpaste. You walk nonchalantly by, toss a package in your cart, and continue on. No more embarrassing than buying contact solution, right? Well, apparently, that was too convenient, as far as BJ's is concerned.

Today, I couldn't find the condoms, after the third trip in a row looking for them. And, well, by this point, we're not just running low -- we NEED more! And of course I love my little Peas, but two in the pod is plenty for now.... I found a lady who worked there, straightening diaper boxes, and asked her where the condoms were. And that was the start of my most embarrassing errand ever. Lady 1 said "Oh, I don't know. Lemme ask someone else." We traveled through the store, while she stopped every person who worked there, or who just happened to be wearing a blue shirt, where the condoms were. Only she didn't just ask. She basically introduced me to everyone.

Lady 1: "Hey, Joey! This lady here needs bulk condoms."
Joey: "I don't know where they are...."
Lady 1: "I didn't think you would! I just wanted to show you!"
(Insert laughter here.)

Finally, Lady 1 introduced me to Slimy Stock Guy. Slimy Stock Guy, who of course knows about every move the condoms make, informed me that they'd been moved to the "cage" (and you could tell he enjoyed saying "cage" and "condoms" in the same sentence....) behind customer service. I got all the other staples... milk, bread... and got into line for Scene II of the Errand from Hell.

As I checked out, I explained to Lady 2 that I'd need condoms from the cage. At least she had the decency to look slightly embarrassed on my behalf. But only after she'd asked me to repeat myself because she hadn't heard me the first time. Unfortunately, she didn't have the keys to the cage, and had to get Lady 3 in on the action. So, we sat and waited. Lest we worry that Lady 3 might have been lonely, she met up with Burly Guy, and he walked with her while she explained that she was getting a big box of condoms for that lady over there. And pointed. I would have waved so he could tell for sure it was me, but Lady 2 had already started her check-out lane light blinking, so it was obvious.

Lady 3 and Burly Guy brought the condoms back over to Lady 2, who finished ringing me up (checking me out? All the options sound vaguely dirty at this point...). Finally, I was on my way, with the older lady behind me in line shouting "CONDOMS!" to answer her even older, partially Deaf husband as to why it was taking so long.

I came home and told my husband what a mortifying trip it was, and how embarrassed it made me. So of course, I had to blog about it, first thing. But I can't help but wonder if, 40 condoms from now, we're going to be more serious about considering Pea#3.

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